Calamity Tails
by bluedragon03
Summary: The Yatogami has a dark past and complicated present. A man of transitioning self-worth and identity, Yato goes from God of Calamity, to God of Delivery, and now aims to become a God of Fortune. The road to his goal will not be easy, however, as his past often comes back to haunt him. A story about Yato's state of mind as he does his best to change.
1. 1- Killing Feilds

_Yato stood in the middle of his killing field, covered in the carnage of the battle, if one could call it that. It had been more of a massacre, really. Hiiro was dripping with blood, and he could feel even more of it coating him like a second skin._

 _He looked around, blue eyes dull, and took in the death that followed him everywhere he went. The words of his father echoed in his mind._ "You're a God of Calamity, Yato, this is what you were made for."

 _Was it true, he wondered. Is this all he was made for? Was all he was good for killing and bringing pain? It must have been, because it was all he'd ever known._

" _Wasn't that fun, Yaboku?" Hiiro asked. Yato paused._

" _Yeah," he responded slowly, almost mechanically. He reverted Hiiki to her human form and she took his hand, smiling._

" _Let's go home," she said. A sense of familiarity overtook him, and he smiled back, his eyes once again lighting with a fierce depravity._ Home. _This is where he belonged. Hiiro and Father were his family._

" _Okay," he said._

 _He had had fun today._


	2. 2- Nightmares

Yato started awake, panting. Frantically, he looked around the images from his dream dancing before his eyes: the killing fields that he used to inhabit for most of his life, the feeling of blood coating his skin, Hiiki's hilt beneath his fingers. It had been so vivid, but then again it had been a memory rather than a true dream.

The dream had been of the times when he was still wavering between his loyalty to his father and a desire to escape the life of blood he'd led until that point. Back in those days a smile from Hiiro or a compliment from father would make him feel at home again and have him wondering why he'd ever doubted them. That phase of his life had lasted for centuries.

"Yato?" Yukine grumbled, drawing Yato from his introspection, "What's up?"

"N-nothing," Yato replied. Yukine raised an eyebrow drowsily, and Yato didn't blame him, he wouldn't have believed himself either.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Yato's husky tone betrayed him, however. "You know what, we're going out."

"What?" Yukine asked. "It's the middle of the night."

"Sekki." Frowning, Yukine reverted. Yato slid open their window and leapt out, sailing into the night.

Yato didn't stop running until he reached the center of the town. Neither of them spoke, Yato was too deep in thought, and Yukine wisely decided that it would be unwise to disturb him. He got the sense that Yato was running _away_ from something, rather than toward something. It was best to let him deal with his personal demons in peace.

Yato perched himself on top of a skyscraper, gazing out across the city, although he wasn't really seeing it. Yukine decided to keep a lookout for him instead.

"There!" He cried. "At one o'clock!" Yato's head snapped in that direction, and his eyes locked onto the large phantom flying over the skyline. He leapt from the roof of his building, wielding a blade in each hand.

"Ye, who would desecrate this land of rising sun…"


	3. 3- Worry

Iki Hiyori danced across the phone lines, enjoying the feeling of the wind in her hair, when a storm caught her attention. It hovered over the south end of the city, near where Yato's job was that day. He'd been hired to do some lawn work, and had been really excited for it. As far as she knew he still hadn't slept, but Yukine hadn't complained any more about being tired. This was the first request he'd taken Yukine on in a while. That was good, if Yato wasn't going to take care of himself Yukine would.

Hiyori was worried about Yato. She knew that Yato was feeling poorly, but he wasn't always open about his emotions. Though he said he was fine he may still be torn over releasing Nora. Hiyori knew that Yato had been the second person to grant her a name, Hiiro, making her a Nora. She knew he must be feeling guilty after releasing her after that.

 _It must be hard,_ she thought, _deciding to completely change your identity._ Previously Yato had been a god of Calamity, living only to kill. She didn't know when he'd decided to leave that life and run from his father, she only knew that sometimes his father would take him back and Yato would be forced to do his bidding until he could escape again. _Yato must have some self-esteem issues,_ she thought. After all, his past still weighed heavily on him, and in a world where a god of pain and death wasn't needed or wanted, he must feel unloved and worthless.

She tried to help him with that as much as she could, letting him know that she cared about him and needed him, but sometimes she wondered if he believed her. It could be hard to change your way of thinking about yourself, especially after all the years Yato must have spent hating what he believed to be his only purpose in life.

A sudden chill on her cheeks roused her from her reverie, and she reached up and wiped away a tear she was unaware she'd shed. Shaking herself, she realized where she was. _This is where Yato named Yukine._ She smiled, then leapt off the pole in their direction.

 _It does no good,_ she thought, _to stand and worry._


	4. 4- Exhaustion

They were there every time he closed his eyes, the images of his past. They assaulted his unconscious whenever he had the misfortune to doze off, reminding him just exactly what he was. Knowledge that he'd spent most of his life hiding from now flooded his awareness at every turn. So he did the only thing he could do, he ran from it. He never slept if he could help it, and he spent so much time working that Hiyori had threatened to beat him up if he didn't let Yukine rest.

Yato started working alone when he could. He didn't take Yukine out on domestic jobs anymore, and he cleaned so many bathrooms he thought he would never get the scent of bleach out of his skin. The smell of bleach was better then the reek of blood that plagued his memory, however. He focused so hard on his work that he didn't have the time or energy to think about his past. It wasn't a healthy or sustainable way of life, he knew, but he also didn't know of anything else he could do.

He was exhausted, and afraid. He hated the way Hiyori and the others looked at him now, the concern in their eyes. He hated that he was making them worry, but he was barely hanging on here. It had been weeks since he'd last slept properly, and that time he'd woken up screaming, scaring the life out of an unsuspecting Kazuma, who'd had no idea that Yato was in Bishamon's mansion, much less that he had broken into Kazuma's room.

Kazuma had shaken him awake looking both confused and frightened, asking what was the matter and how Yato had gotten into his room. The door burst open before Yato's dream had completely left him and Bishamon stood at the door, looking utterly bewildered.

"Yato?" She'd said.

Yato, still confused, leapt away from her and Kazuma both, calling for Hiiki.

"Yato what are you doing? Who is Hiiki? Are you alright?" The last question snapped him out of his dream addled state, realizing the Bishamon he thought he was seeing would never ask after his health. Yato muttered something about her lax security then leapt out of Kazuma's window, hurting himself when he fumbled the landing.

As if that weren't embarrassing enough, just yesterday he'd passed out after over exerting himself while slaying a phantom and woke up on the back of Kuraha, with Kazuma supporting him. Yato blinked blearily, barely strong enough to lift his head, and still wrapped up in his nightmare. When Kazuma noticed him stirring he called out.

"Yato! Yato! Can you hear me? Are you alright? Viina, he's awake!" A few gunshots sounded out, and Bishamon landed on a rooftop near them.

"Here, lay him down. What happened to him? Is it possible he's been blighted?"

"I haven't done anything!" Yato heard Yukine say. Yato glanced hazily around for him and saw Sekki tucked into Bishamon's belt. Yato was glad that she'd protected him.

"Yukine," Yato called, as Kazuma checked him for blight.

"Yukine is right, he hasn't been blighted."

"Yato, what ails you?" Bishamon asked. Yato ignored her and tried to sit up, but two hands forced him back down, one each from Yukine and Kazuma.

"You stay down!" Yukine snapped, "or I'll have Lady Bishamon make you. She probably wants to after having to save your sorry ass from such a low level phantom."

"Keh, like that half naked floozy could do me in," Yato mumbled, his voice sounding too pathetic for anyone to bother taking offense to that.

"Yukine," Kazuma asked, "what's wrong with him?"

"He hasn't been sleeping, and he's been working himself ragged for weeks now. I told him taking this job was a bad idea, but he wouldn't listen." Yato tried sitting up again, only to be shoved more forcefully down again.

"Stay." Yukine growled, looking furious. "I don't know what you were thinking Yato, you could have been killed. If Lady Bishamon hadn't arrived when she did I wouldn't have been able to save you. You owe her an apology and a thank you."

"Yukine is right, Yato, I can't imagine why you're being so reckless." Kazuma agreed.

Yato's vision began to blur around the edges and he knew he was on the verge of passing out again. He may be a god, but even he couldn't keep going on like this. His breathing became labored, and the anger in Yukine's face was traded for concern.

"H-hey, are you alright?"

"Kazuma, we're taking him home with us to recuperate," was the last thing he heard before slipping into oblivion.

x

"Good idea," Kazuma said. He nodded to Yukine and they both took an arm, hoisting him up and laying him across Kuraha's back.

"Thank you for helping my idiot master," Yukine said.

"Yato!" A voice to their left called. All eyes turned to Hiyori as she leapt across the rooftops.

"Hiyori!" Yukine replied. "What are you doing here?"

"I was coming in to see how the job went." She knelt next to Yato, brushing his hair out of his face. "Did he collapse?" Yukine nodded.

"If it hadn't been for Lady Bishamon and Kazuma then he would have died."

"Oh Yato," she mumbled, "you need to take better care of yourself."

"Come," Bishamon said, "we're taking him back to the estate."

"I can't believe he let himself get this bad," Hiyori whispered, dabbing a damp rag on Yato's sweaty forehead.

"It's highly irresponsible of him," Kazuma said, looking a mixture of concerned and disapproving.

"I was hoping the nightmares would pass and he'd be able to sleep again," she said, more to herself than the others.

"Nightmares?" Kazuma repeated. "That would explain the time I found him screaming in my room."

"You found him screaming in your room?" Hiyori asked.

"Yes. I was upstairs and heard screaming so I came to investigate and found him kicking and screaming on my bed. I managed to wake him up but when Viina came in he freaked out and called the name 'Hiiki.'"

"He called for Nora?" Hiyori and Yukine said together, looking at each other in shock.

"Nora?" Bishamon said. "He named a nora?"

"Centuries ago," Hiyori replied, "they grew up together. Nora was Yato's first shinki, but he revoked the name Hiiro a few weeks ago."

"Why would he call for a shinki that he released?" Bishamon asked.

"Releasing her stirred up a lot of bad memories from his childhood, and I think it's what's been causing his nightmares. He was probably having a dream about his past when you came in, Bishamon, and that's why he called for Hiiro, he thought you were going to kill him. It takes him a while to remember where he is after he wakes up."

"He must have collapsed out of exhaustion," Kazuma said, looking pensive. Hiyori didn't reply, instead wiping sweat off of Yato's forehead.

A few minutes later Kazuma and Bishamon left to attend to a few matters, which left Yukine and Hiyori alone with the sleeping Yato. Yukine sighed and took the cloth from Hiyori's hand, and the bowl of water she'd been dipping it in.

"I'll go refresh this water," He said, heading to the bathroom. Hiyori watched him go, then reached out and took Yato's hand, stroking the back idly with her thumb.

"I know you're having a hard time, but I wish you would open up and talk to me. Holding everything in like this isn't healthy. I've been really worried about you, you know. I haven't seen you in such bad shape since before Yukine's ablution." Yato's hand twitched inside hers, and Hiyori snapped to attention. "Yato?"

"Hi...yo...ri," Yato mumbled. A faint blush crept onto her cheeks as his face twisted and his eyes opened.

"Yato! You're awake!" She cried, leaping forward so her elbows rested on the bed next to him.

"Hiyori," He repeated. He blinked blearily a few times and looked around hazily.

"Where are we?"

"We're in Bishamon's manor," Hiyori said. "You collapsed on a job and she saved you, then brought you back here to recover. You were in pretty bad shape."

"Great, now I owe her. She'll probably hold this over my head for centuries."

"Well it's your own fault!" Hiyori snapped. "What were you thinking, going out in your condition?" Yato looked away.

"There's no pleasing you two, first I don't work enough, now I work too much. You and Yukine are never happy, are you?"

"Don't you dare try to put this on us, Yato! I know what this is really about!"

"Do you?" He mumbled, still facing away from her.

"Yes. I know you've been having nightmares ever since you released Nora, and I know that's why you've been overworking yourself. You've been running from your past ever since that day, and now you can't run anymore." Yato was silent. Hiyori sighed. "Talk to me, Yato, please."

"There's nothing to talk about, you already know everything."

"There's everything to talk about. You need to let all these negative feelings out. You shouldn't keep everything bottled up, Yato, it's not healthy. We're here for you, you can talk to us."

"You wouldn't understand," he said, still looking away.

"Let me give it a shot then. You're relieved and glad that you finally stood up to Nora and your father. You're glad that you released Nora and can finally move on with your life, but at the same time you feel guilty for feeling that way. You were the one who made her a Nora, after all. That's not all though, you miss Nora. She was your best friend- your only friend- for centuries. You grew up together. A life with her is all you've ever known. Even though you hated your life with them, there were good times. You had fun with Nora, she was your family. You feel guilty for recollecting these things fondly, after all you were a killer then." Yato's hand stiffened in hers, but he didn't pull away.

"You feel bad about missing Nora. You think that it makes you a bad person, and that you haven't changed. You think that missing Nora means you don't deserve to be happy, because you are still the same man you were before. You probably have mixed feelings about your father. He was awful, and he scares you. You're petrified that he's going to come after you, or worse, someone you care about. There are good memories too, though. He raised you after all, he comforted you when you were afraid and praised you when you did well. It's hard to completely despise the person who raised you. He offers a sense of familiarity in a constantly changing world." Yato's hand was shaking inside hers now, and he sniffed faintly.

"It's okay you know, to feel that way." Yato's breathing hitched, and Hiyori knew he was crying now, though his face was still turned away from her. "You're allowed to miss them, and you're allowed to be afraid. Missing Nora doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean you haven't or couldn't change. It just means you can feel, it means you aren't some unfeeling killing machine. It means you're a person. It's okay."

Yato gasped for air, sobbing in full now. He brought up his free hand to cover his eyes. Hiyori placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, smiling sadly. She waited silently for him to calm down, lending her presence to him while he sorted through his emotions. He always tried to carry his burdens by himself. He'd been alone for most of his life, after all. Having someone to confide in was new to him. Yato cried a while longer, then took several steadying breaths, wiped his eyes, and faced her.

"Thank you Hiyori," his voice was weak and trembling, his eyes swollen and red, but he smiled at her earnestly. She returned his smile, feeling relieved.

"I'm your friend, it's what I'm here for." Yato squeezed her hand, his eyes starting to drift closed. Yato shook his head slightly, trying to wake himself up. He was obviously trying to shake off sleep, fearing that another nightmare would await him. Hiyori wrapped Yato's hand in both of her own and smiled at him.

"Go to sleep Yato, I'll be right here." Yato nodded and closed his eyes, succumbing once more to his exhaustion.


	5. 5- Of Many Names

" _Yaboku, Yaboku, look!" Nora cried, running up behind him. He was sitting on the banks of a shallow river, and turned to face her as she approached._

" _What?" He asked, feeling himself get excited at the look on her face. She ran up to him, her small feet pattering against the grass, and crouched next to him, rolling her sleeve up proudly._

" _Look how many names I got today!"_

" _Whoa," Yato said, impressed. There were three new names on Hiiro's left arm._

" _Who did you get them from?" He asked, peering back up into her face._

" _Father says they're just some minor gods, no one you would have heard of."_

" _Oh," Yato replied. He looked back at the names, and realized he couldn't read them. "What do they say?" He asked._

" _This one," she said, "is Hinami." She crinkled her nose. "I don't like that name."_

" _Why not?" Yato asked._

" _It sounds weak," she replied. "Father says it's a very pretty name, but I don't agree. My vessel name is Hiniki, and I turn into a Kodachi."_

" _A short sword? What about the others?"_

" _This one is Tsubaki, Tsuki as a vessel, and I'm a dagger."_

" _None of your forms are the same," Yaboku pointed out. Hiiro nodded._

" _Father says that's normal. I'll get whatever form suits the god naming me best."_

" _Why can't you choose?" Yaboku asked. It hardly seemed fair that Hiiro would be doing all the work yet she had no say in it._

" _I don't know, but it doesn't bother me," she said._

" _Oh."_

" _This name is Kasai, Kaki as a vessel, and I turn into a chain scythe. I really like this one."_

" _That's so cool!" Yaboku said, then grew sad. If Hiiro had all these other names and masters, then she didn't need him anymore. Would she leave him one day to go play with them instead?_

" _But can I tell you a secret?" She said, leaning forward conspiratorially. Despite his sudden turn in mood he couldn't help but nod and lean closer to her._

" _The name you gave me is still my favorite." Yaboku's face split into a smile._

" _Really?"_

" _Yeah!" Yabouku's young heart was lightened considerably, and he got to his feet._

" _Do you wanna go play?" He asked excitedly, and she nodded._

" _Yeah, let's go!" They ran off together, small hands linked, and Yaboku called her name, which was now one of many._


	6. 6- One Name Fewer

"You don't need me anymore, you have lots of masters now."

How dare he say that to her? Had any of those other masters played with her as children? Had she been raised with any of those other masters? Had any of those other masters been her _best friend?_

She just couldn't understand why he'd released her. Didn't he remember all the fun they'd had playing together? What had caused him to betray her like this? They'd always been friends, so when he'd run away and started calling her that _horrible_ word, she'd assumed that it was a phase. He'd come back to her, just like he always did, because she may have many masters, but she was his only shinki. Well, she was the only one that mattered. And the only masters that mattered to her were Yaboku and Father, so why had he released her? How _dare_ he release her, after all she'd done for him?

There was no way she could let him get away with this. She would get back at him for this. She'd make him remember exactly why he'd never released her before. He _needed_ her. He'd come back. He'd leave that disgusting phantom girl and that useless hafuri boy and he'd come back to her. After all, none of them knew him like she did.

She couldn't understand why Father wasn't taking this more seriously. He'd _rejected_ her, and he needed to be taught a lesson! She was tired of this rebellious phase, and just wanted him to come home. But Father said he had a plan, so she would go along with it. Father's plans always worked, after all.


	7. 7- Dirty

Yato started awake again, his heart still racing. He'd had the dream again. He tried shaking the heavy feeling that had settled in his chest, but couldn't. He closed his eyes again, sitting upright in his futon. That dream always left him feeling dirty.

He needed to be some place clean, some place pure, some place safe. He knew where.

She would have been angry with him, really, if he hadn't looked so peaceful. But it was a nice change to see him so relaxed, even if he was asleep in her bed. She'd worried about him after he collapsed. He slept more, but still looked haunted when he thought no one was looking.

She took a seat on the floor, resting her head next to his. She watched him sleep for a while before drifting off herself, on the floor next to her own bed.


	8. 8- Peace

An overwhelming sense of calm engulfed him when he woke. He hadn't felt so relaxed since before he'd released Nora.

That might have had something to do with the sight that awaited him when he opened his eyes. Hiyori was asleep, her face only inches from his, a small smile gracing her lips. Yato closed his eyes and smiled, letting the sound of her soft breathing lull him back into a stupor.

He fell back to sleep curled into a ball, his hand reaching out to her, finally at peace.


End file.
